Re: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son

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Posted by Diane on June 05, 202 at 11:12:17:

In Reply to: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son posted by Wrenda Waters on June 05, 202 at 10:11:24:

: Hi to all,

: I’ve been here before, but it has been awhile and this is when I was seeking knowledge about NLD for my 10 yr. old son who had a possible DX of NLD. It turns out with further testing that he does not since his WISC-III had only a 7 point difference as well as Bender testing being above his age level at 12 yrs. and his visual perceptual testing hit the top in all subtests at 13 yr. level. He does have a mild Executive Function Deficit, however, and is gifted. So on this journey I’ve learned a lot.

: However, my oldest son has had significant problems always. He was DX’d as ADHD at age 6 (symptoms were much earlier than that), and subsequently what followed was years of tremendous difficulties for him resulting in his dropping out of school at 16. The school system actually labelled him Behavior Disordered which I fought until successfully changing this to an LD DX when he reached 8th grade. However, they kept the BD as secondary they said to protect him from being suspended, etc. That didn’t stop them, though, he was suspended for getting a number of referrals for not completing homework and as a result of that, detentions, which he did not serve. Another one was for leaving the classroom because he was angry and walking around the school building outside. They continued to hone in on behavior consequences while seeming to forget that he had significant learning disabilities. Accommodations such as computer use was denied stating they didn’t have any available (not true, a friend of mine was a science teacher there told me he had a classroom full of computers), etc., etc. I could write a book about how the system failed him.

: When going through this journey with my younger son and all my new knowledge about NLD, I pulled out my older son’s tests and records — there is no doubt that he has NLD. In 1st grade WISC-R testing there is a 22 point difference between VIQ and PIQ as well as having significant visual-spatial, visual-perceptial and visual working memory deficits. The same thing in 4th grade when tested again, only his IQ had dropped. In 8th grade (which I just received the testing as they had never given it to me and I went and got it), I was appalled. His IQ had dropped even more and he was only reading and doing math at a beginning 5th grade level. He also has difficulty with fine motor weakness and definite sensory issue problems. I have been so angry and sad upon discovering this and even one report by the psychologist stated specifics on how to help him, but these were never implemented.

: He is now in another state, away from home, and he struggles and struggles continuously. He can’t hold a job for longer than a few months, he has lived on the streets off and on, living in one place or another, getting thrown out mostly for not being able to pay rent, etc. He has lived with us off and on since 18, but not knowing what the real problems were, we were employing the tough love approach which we now realize may not have been appropriate for him. Mostly he would run up the phone bill, extremely messy, would get very oppositional (not violent, however), sleep all day, up all night, not keep a job, etc. We have been at our wits end, not knowing exactly what it would take to help him. But now, realizing that he has NLD — we would like to offer him to him to be able to come home and give him the appropriate help that he needs.

: I have been trying to see if there is any action that could be taken against the school system who failed him so miserably. But so far, I’ve read that you have to be 22 and under to do this. Doesn’t seem right — it doesn’t matter if he has NLD, ADHD, LD, etc., they did not do what they were supposed to do and violated his IEP many times over.

: The big question I have now is, does anyone have any suggestions on how one would go about appropriate ways to help a 24 yr. old NLD who was never accurately DX’d and never appropriately taught? The fact that he is now an adult rather than a child makes it difficult. We have learned a tremendous amount about NLD and what that means, ways to help a smaller child, but I am having a very difficult time finding how parents would do this with a child who is considered an adult. He may be 24, but because of his difficulties, has certainly missed out on lots of information that one would learn simply by experiencing life.

: We are deeply concerned about his welfare. One more thing, when he was here app. six months ago, I was able to get him to see a doctor and he was also DX’d with having post traumatic stress disorder. You see, he was also abused by his father (I am remarried) terribly. So there is even more than just NLD or LD going on here. He has been probably been depressed most of his life. The doctor gave him Wellbutrin which he admits was helping him, but of course he isn’t here now and I know he isn’t taking this anymore, lack of job, lack of money, etc.

: Oh yes, he is a very gifted musician, beautiful voice, plays guitar (by ear), gifted songwriter, but doesn’t have enough faith in himself to pursue to any significant degree (he told me this).

: I apologize for this being so long. Some of you may have read this on NLD-in-common, I am putting this out anywhere I may be able to get some feedback.

: Thanks for any suggestions or comments,

: Wrenda

Hi, I recently left a message about social anxiety and my 22-year-old son. I can sympathize with the lack of information about how to help adults who were not diagnosed–we had a similar situation. I found out about NLD on the internet after my son had struggled through high school with panic attacks and social anxiety. We tried sending my son to a college that was not overly-challenging and was fairly close to home, so that he could come home for support every other weekend or so. We also managed to qualify him for services for the learning disabled, and he could have had free tutoring or someone to help him with organization. But, since he never thought of himself as having a learning disorder, he refused to avail himself of these services, sat in his room a lot, and did not make much of an effort. He stuck out one year and refused to go back. Now, he doesn’t want to work at any jobs which a high school graduate can get, but hasn’t the confidence to go back to school, because he believes he can’t do it. The trouble is, it is a constant struggle to get him to go out and be among people. Paxil has helped him enormously, but if left unattended he will stay home until he develops agoraphobia.
We had been advised to use “tough love” with him by doctors who had all the evidence of his NLD in front of them but didn’t see it–there was really no excuse! They told us we should kick him out of the house and make him survive on his own. We sensed it would have been cruel and probably counterproductive, however, and never had the heart to do it. It interests me that you do not feel it has been positive for your son.
I can’t imagine that living on the streets is good for someone with NDL, as their survival skills seem to be poor. If I were you, I would get him home as soon as possible. But then what?
I think if your son can’t hold a job for more than a few weeks, to the point where he is out on the street, he does have serious problems and perhaps is not well enough to work right now. Does he interact with any friends who could help him? Is he immature for his age? Maybe he needs more time to grow up. It is very difficult in this society where health insurance is only for the young or those who can work full time.
I have another relative with this condition who was never able to work and finally was put on disability. He faced NLD and depression before good drugs were available. The disability has been a blessing, taking away the threat of the streets and the pressure to earn a living. But I think it is a last resort and not a good option for such a young person, as it sticks one with a discouraging label.
I know my son (who is also a gifted musician) needs a lot of quiet and time. He is easily overstimulated by other people and lots of activity. He has trouble processing social interaction that is not straightforward. He is happy when left to pursue his own interests (who wouldn’t be?). I guess we are trying to let him have more time even though he can’t quite manage in college right now, in hopes that he will mature and learn to manage his more challenging problems. I’ve thought about starting a business with my son, though I would like him to get more “real-life” experience.
It is easy to get discouraged, since this problem has been understood for a relatively short period of time, and even professionals who should be alert for it drop the ball and don’t inform parents. And all the intervention is aimed at children. Meanwhile, adults who have not been diagnosed fight depression and anxiety, know something is wrong but don’t understand what or how to fix it.
Please leave updates on how you and he are doing. You have your hands full with two NLD’ers. I would love to know what works for you and if you find any resources.

Follow Ups:

Re: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son Wrenda 13:43:10 6/06/2(3)
- Re: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son Diane 22:18:47 6/06/2(2)
  - Re: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son Wrenda 04:31:02 6/08/2(1)
    - Re: Help with my 24 yr. old NLD son Diane 22:45:04 6/08/2(0)

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: : Hi to all,: : I’ve been here before, but it has been awhile and this is when I was seeking knowledge about NLD for my 10 yr. old son who had a possible DX of NLD. It turns out with further testing that he does not since his WISC-III had only a 7 point difference as well as Bender testing being above his age level at 12 yrs. and his visual perceptual testing hit the top in all subtests at 13 yr. level. He does have a mild Executive Function Deficit, however, and is gifted. So on this journey I’ve learned a lot.: : However, my oldest son has had significant problems always. He was DX’d as ADHD at age 6 (symptoms were much earlier than that), and subsequently what followed was years of tremendous difficulties for him resulting in his dropping out of school at 16. The school system actually labelled him Behavior Disordered which I fought until successfully changing this to an LD DX when he reached 8th grade. However, they kept the BD as secondary they said to protect him from being suspended, etc. That didn’t stop them, though, he was suspended for getting a number of referrals for not completing homework and as a result of that, detentions, which he did not serve. Another one was for leaving the classroom because he was angry and walking around the school building outside. They continued to hone in on behavior consequences while seeming to forget that he had significant learning disabilities. Accommodations such as computer use was denied stating they didn’t have any available (not true, a friend of mine was a science teacher there told me he had a classroom full of computers), etc., etc. I could write a book about how the system failed him. : : When going through this journey with my younger son and all my new knowledge about NLD, I pulled out my older son’s tests and records — there is no doubt that he has NLD. In 1st grade WISC-R testing there is a 22 point difference between VIQ and PIQ as well as having significant visual-spatial, visual-perceptial and visual working memory deficits. The same thing in 4th grade when tested again, only his IQ had dropped. In 8th grade (which I just received the testing as they had never given it to me and I went and got it), I was appalled. His IQ had dropped even more and he was only reading and doing math at a beginning 5th grade level. He also has difficulty with fine motor weakness and definite sensory issue problems. I have been so angry and sad upon discovering this and even one report by the psychologist stated specifics on how to help him, but these were never implemented. : : He is now in another state, away from home, and he struggles and struggles continuously. He can’t hold a job for longer than a few months, he has lived on the streets off and on, living in one place or another, getting thrown out mostly for not being able to pay rent, etc. He has lived with us off and on since 18, but not knowing what the real problems were, we were employing the tough love approach which we now realize may not have been appropriate for him. Mostly he would run up the phone bill, extremely messy, would get very oppositional (not violent, however), sleep all day, up all night, not keep a job, etc. We have been at our wits end, not knowing exactly what it would take to help him. But now, realizing that he has NLD — we would like to offer him to him to be able to come home and give him the appropriate help that he needs. : : I have been trying to see if there is any action that could be taken against the school system who failed him so miserably. But so far, I’ve read that you have to be 22 and under to do this. Doesn’t seem right — it doesn’t matter if he has NLD, ADHD, LD, etc., they did not do what they were supposed to do and violated his IEP many times over. : : The big question I have now is, does anyone have any suggestions on how one would go about appropriate ways to help a 24 yr. old NLD who was never accurately DX’d and never appropriately taught? The fact that he is now an adult rather than a child makes it difficult. We have learned a tremendous amount about NLD and what that means, ways to help a smaller child, but I am having a very difficult time finding how parents would do this with a child who is considered an adult. He may be 24, but because of his difficulties, has certainly missed out on lots of information that one would learn simply by experiencing life. : : We are deeply concerned about his welfare. One more thing, when he was here app. six months ago, I was able to get him to see a doctor and he was also DX’d with having post traumatic stress disorder. You see, he was also abused by his father (I am remarried) terribly. So there is even more than just NLD or LD going on here. He has been probably been depressed most of his life. The doctor gave him Wellbutrin which he admits was helping him, but of course he isn’t here now and I know he isn’t taking this anymore, lack of job, lack of money, etc.: : Oh yes, he is a very gifted musician, beautiful voice, plays guitar (by ear), gifted songwriter, but doesn’t have enough faith in himself to pursue to any significant degree (he told me this). : : I apologize for this being so long. Some of you may have read this on NLD-in-common, I am putting this out anywhere I may be able to get some feedback. : : Thanks for any suggestions or comments,: : Wrenda: Hi, I recently left a message about social anxiety and my 22-year-old son. I can sympathize with the lack of information about how to help adults who were not diagnosed–we had a similar situation. I found out about NLD on the internet after my son had struggled through high school with panic attacks and social anxiety. We tried sending my son to a college that was not overly-challenging and was fairly close to home, so that he could come home for support every other weekend or so. We also managed to qualify him for services for the learning disabled, and he could have had free tutoring or someone to help him with organization. But, since he never thought of himself as having a learning disorder, he refused to avail himself of these services, sat in his room a lot, and did not make much of an effort. He stuck out one year and refused to go back. Now, he doesn’t want to work at any jobs which a high school graduate can get, but hasn’t the confidence to go back to school, because he believes he can’t do it. The trouble is, it is a constant struggle to get him to go out and be among people. Paxil has helped him enormously, but if left unattended he will stay home until he develops agoraphobia. : We had been advised to use “tough love” with him by doctors who had all the evidence of his NLD in front of them but didn’t see it–there was really no excuse! They told us we should kick him out of the house and make him survive on his own. We sensed it would have been cruel and probably counterproductive, however, and never had the heart to do it. It interests me that you do not feel it has been positive for your son.: I can’t imagine that living on the streets is good for someone with NDL, as their survival skills seem to be poor. If I were you, I would get him home as soon as possible. But then what? : I think if your son can’t hold a job for more than a few weeks, to the point where he is out on the street, he does have serious problems and perhaps is not well enough to work right now. Does he interact with any friends who could help him? Is he immature for his age? Maybe he needs more time to grow up. It is very difficult in this society where health insurance is only for the young or those who can work full time.: I have another relative with this condition who was never able to work and finally was put on disability. He faced NLD and depression before good drugs were available. The disability has been a blessing, taking away the threat of the streets and the pressure to earn a living. But I think it is a last resort and not a good option for such a young person, as it sticks one with a discouraging label.: I know my son (who is also a gifted musician) needs a lot of quiet and time. He is easily overstimulated by other people and lots of activity. He has trouble processing social interaction that is not straightforward. He is happy when left to pursue his own interests (who wouldn’t be?). I guess we are trying to let him have more time even though he can’t quite manage in college right now, in hopes that he will mature and learn to manage his more challenging problems. I’ve thought about starting a business with my son, though I would like him to get more “real-life” experience.: It is easy to get discouraged, since this problem has been understood for a relatively short period of time, and even professionals who should be alert for it drop the ball and don’t inform parents. And all the intervention is aimed at children. Meanwhile, adults who have not been diagnosed fight depression and anxiety, know something is wrong but don’t understand what or how to fix it. : Please leave updates on how you and he are doing. You have your hands full with two NLD’ers. I would love to know what works for you and if you find any resources.

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